1 00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:03,168 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,808 [Mike] Family meeting has begun. No more talking, no more fun. 3 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,482 Okay, first order of business. 4 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:14,110 Does anyone watch Showtime, Starz or the Sundance Channel? 5 00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:16,207 Deezy thinks we're paying too much for cable. 6 00:00:16,249 --> 00:00:17,819 [stammers] Well, I watch those, Mike. 7 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,251 I was thinking more like your Nat Geos, your Lifetime, 8 00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:22,347 your CNNs, your CNBCs... 9 00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:23,989 Then what would I watch? 10 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:27,664 No, this motion is tabled until the next family meeting. 11 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,834 Okay, next agenda item. 12 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,233 Should we get a dog? 13 00:00:31,264 --> 00:00:33,074 Let's get some pros and cons on the board. 14 00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:34,170 I'll start. 15 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:35,171 Good to eat. 16 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,702 [Marquess] What? 17 00:00:36,736 --> 00:00:39,036 Deezy says we're spending too much money on groceries. 18 00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:41,312 We could get a big dog, chop him up 19 00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:43,741 and whatever we don't eat, we freeze him for the winter. 20 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,577 Dad, you can't eat a dog. 21 00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,383 Well then, that's a "con." 22 00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:50,845 Well, I for one, think we should get a dog. 23 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:53,894 They're cute and cuddly and it could protect the house when we're gone. 24 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,660 Okay, wait. Well, now I hate to be the bearer of bad news 25 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,220 but I am deathly allergic to dogs. 26 00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:02,189 Well, I say, if Marquess is deathly allergic to dogs, 27 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,429 we run, not walk, to get a dog! 28 00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:05,704 Family meeting adjourned. 29 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:07,132 [Marquess] Okay, uh, he can't do that. 30 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:09,637 [all screaming] 31 00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:18,435 This is why we have to shut the sliding glass door, Pigeon. 32 00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:19,378 [gasps] 33 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:20,682 Dad, you killed it. 34 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,954 But now we have food for the winter. 35 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:27,053 Oh, the poor thing was carrying a mystery message. Uh... 36 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,587 "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 37 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,092 I'm afraid my 17-year-old son Landon 38 00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:32,794 is addicted to pain pills. 39 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,956 I wanted to have an intervention but as a single dad 40 00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,355 I could use your help. 41 00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:38,526 Kenneth Boone, Santa Barbara, California." 42 00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:39,455 Oh. [gasps] 43 00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:40,769 I adore Santa Barbara. 44 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,470 I would move there in a New York minute. 45 00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:45,202 Oh, who am I kidding? I would move to New York 46 00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:46,538 in a Santa Barbara minute. 47 00:01:46,573 --> 00:01:48,543 [chuckles] Anywhere but this shithole. 48 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,035 Deezy says we have to live in Las Vegas 49 00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:52,837 for tax purposes. 50 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:54,879 Yeah, I think that's right. I should check up on that though. 51 00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:56,745 I might have been thinking of the Cayman Islands. 52 00:01:56,783 --> 00:02:00,253 Oh, well, maybe that'd be a fun place to move to. 53 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,347 [Kenneth Boone] Thank you so much for coming. 54 00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:03,619 Sorry, I just need to get Sophie fed. 55 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,487 She's six, kind of a picky eater. 56 00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:08,985 My wife used to do all the cooking. I can barely boil water. 57 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,299 It's very easy. 58 00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:13,370 Um... How long since your wife passed? 59 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,770 "Passed"? [scoffs] I mean come on, 60 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,702 passed, what is that? Just say "died." 61 00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:21,567 His wife died. Is "died" a bad word? 62 00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:24,438 You know? You know what a bad word is? [bleeping] 63 00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:28,147 ...is a bad word. "[bleep] sucker" is a bad word. 64 00:02:28,181 --> 00:02:29,921 But you can say "died." Say "died". 65 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:33,290 -Okay, fine. Died. -Okay, now say "[bleep] sucker." 66 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,790 -[gasps] -[laughs] 67 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,791 -My God, Pigeon. -Maggie left us four months ago. 68 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:39,963 "Left us"? That's worse than "passed." 69 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,093 You know what I'm gonna do? 70 00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:43,597 I'm gonna "leave us" right now 71 00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:45,730 and go "pass" a giant turd 72 00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:47,895 in this [bleep] sucker's bathroom. 73 00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:48,874 Okay, ew. 74 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:50,302 Sophie. Lunch is ready. 75 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:51,967 [sighs] Maggie was sick for a long time. 76 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:55,035 She was in horrible pain so we had every kind of pain pill 77 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,405 they'll prescribe in the house. 78 00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:58,984 I should have gotten rid of them sooner 79 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,952 but the thought of cleaning out her medicine cabinet 80 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,251 seemed overwhelming. 81 00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:04,953 I finally got the courage a few days ago 82 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:07,345 and they were all gone. 83 00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:08,917 Every pill, every bottle. 84 00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:12,485 Now, what makes you so sure your son took them? 85 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:16,525 He just hasn't been himself. He's suddenly so secretive. 86 00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:19,233 And no one else has been in our house since Maggie departed. 87 00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,666 "Departed"? Really? 88 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:23,272 Honey, why aren't you eating? 89 00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:24,803 There's nothing to eat. 90 00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:27,668 [Mike] Oh, was the mac and cheese for her? 91 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:30,877 I'm sorry, little girl, let me make you some. 92 00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:32,510 Dad, wha-what's going on? 93 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:35,505 Landon... You know how much I love you, right? 94 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:38,348 What are you talking about? Who are these people? 95 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,315 Seriously? You don't know who that is? 96 00:03:40,353 --> 00:03:42,293 The one with the face tattoo? 97 00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:45,962 I'll give you three guesses. Bill Cosby, Mike Tyson or Jaws the shark. 98 00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:49,092 You have one minute and your time starts now. 99 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,159 Landon, this is an intervention. 100 00:03:51,197 --> 00:03:52,497 For what? 101 00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,802 I know you've been taking Mom's pain pills. 102 00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,274 What? No, I haven't. 103 00:03:56,303 --> 00:03:57,603 Landon, you need help. 104 00:03:57,637 --> 00:03:59,397 You're addicted to opioids. 105 00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:01,539 Dad, I swear I'm not! 106 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,914 [voice breaks] My son, my beautiful son, 107 00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:07,713 I know you're hurting. We all miss her so much. 108 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,477 And it makes sense to want to numb the pain. 109 00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:13,247 Dad, I'm not taking pain pills! 110 00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:15,586 Oh, come on, Landon. You isolate. 111 00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,792 You're always in your room with the door locked. 112 00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:22,964 Dad, please believe me. I-I swear on Mom's grave. 113 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:27,466 [tearfully] I've never taken an opioid. I-I just miss Mom. 114 00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:31,169 I believe you. 115 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:34,414 [both sobbing] 116 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,380 -[chair skids] -[Marquess] Lies! 117 00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:42,051 This is all lies. An addict can't be trusted. 118 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,982 An addict cares about one thing and one thing only. 119 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,388 Their next fix. And they don't care 120 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,390 whose lives they have to destroy to get it. 121 00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:51,162 -Marquess. -I-I'm sorry, I am sorry, Yung, 122 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:55,031 I am sorry. I just know what it is like to lose someone 123 00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:56,931 I love to addiction. 124 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,033 [Marquess] It was 1869... Summer. 125 00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:00,995 The summer of '69 we called it... 126 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,744 Sir Rodney Pumpbutters and I ran off to the Orient, 127 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:06,910 two young vibrant men, no older than Landon here, 128 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,940 seeking adventure and new experiences. 129 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:12,435 Oh, we bought spices and silks in Shenzhen 130 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,879 and took a slow boat 131 00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:16,153 down the Yangtze River to Nanjing. 132 00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:18,352 It was there we were first introduced 133 00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:19,945 to the power of the poppy. 134 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:23,656 It was an ecstasy unlike any I had ever felt. 135 00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:26,490 We spent weeks in our little opium den, 136 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,426 drifting in and out of consciousness. 137 00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:30,161 Oh, dancing. Writing poetry. 138 00:05:30,196 --> 00:05:33,766 Making love. But when summer turned to fall to winter, 139 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,730 I knew it was time to come home. 140 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:37,669 I went to arrange passage back to England 141 00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:41,274 and discovered that Rodney had stolen my funds. 142 00:05:41,307 --> 00:05:45,207 Oh, every last bank note he used up chasing the dragon. 143 00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:46,635 He lied to me of course, 144 00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:49,979 he swore on his mother's grave, too. 145 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,546 I never saw him again. 146 00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:53,154 He reportedly died 147 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,746 when high as a kite and holding a candelabra, 148 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,559 wandered into a Chinese fireworks factory. 149 00:05:58,591 --> 00:06:00,561 [explosions] 150 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:11,372 Now, Kenneth, get your car keys. 151 00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:13,144 You're taking your son to rehab. 152 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:15,673 No! I'm not an addict! 153 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:17,538 He'll say anything in this state, 154 00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,737 anything he thinks we want to hear. 155 00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:22,309 Michael. Grab the boy. Get him in the car. 156 00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:25,248 Oh, good. I was having trouble boiling that water. 157 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:26,475 It-it's harder than it looks. 158 00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:29,019 Hey. Stop. No-- 159 00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:33,358 Don't worry, we'll watch Sophie. 160 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,793 Okay, thanks. 161 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,730 Your brother's gonna be okay. 162 00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:41,625 Not likely. No, they have a very poor rate of success 163 00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:42,928 at these facilities. 164 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:44,469 Um, what happens is they'll keep him 165 00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:46,104 until the insurance runs out 166 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,469 then they'll say he's cured 167 00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,667 and then he'll suspiciously overdose 168 00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:50,939 and we'll be done with the matter. 169 00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:51,737 Mystery solved. 170 00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:53,038 -Pigeon. -[Pigeon] Huh? 171 00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:57,421 Oh, no, no, no, no, don't have candy, 172 00:06:57,450 --> 00:06:58,850 I'll make you something good to eat. 173 00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:00,115 It's not for me. 174 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,431 A.F.O.S., I brought you some candy. 175 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,527 [all gasp] 176 00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:18,068 No! No one's supposed to know about him, 177 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:19,004 not even Daddy. 178 00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:23,575 [Pigeon] What the [bleep] is that? 179 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,310 We call him A.F.O.S. 180 00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:27,305 He's an alien from outer space. 181 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,947 His spaceship crash-landed and Landon found him 182 00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,583 on his walk home from school. 183 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,448 Landon says no one can know about him 184 00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:36,616 or they'll do bad experiments on him. 185 00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:39,056 Did you take your medicine, A.F.O.S.? 186 00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:46,333 Are those your mom's pain pills? 187 00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:48,296 He hurt his leg in the crash. 188 00:07:48,334 --> 00:07:51,744 So Landon gave him Mom's medicine for the pain. 189 00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:55,041 A.F.O.S. take medicine. 190 00:07:55,074 --> 00:07:57,084 A.F.O.S. like pills. 191 00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,380 Want more pills. 192 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:00,652 Oh, dear God. 193 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,810 [gasps] That boy was telling the truth. 194 00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:08,490 Opioid addiction can be a lifelong battle. 195 00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:10,761 I'm gonna recommend a 90-day program. 196 00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:13,630 Oh. He's supposed to start his freshman year 197 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,190 at Stanford in two weeks. 198 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:18,258 Well, there is a new treatment that in some patients 199 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:19,928 can work practically overnight. 200 00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:22,866 An electromagnet is placed at the base of the brain 201 00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:25,642 and one large pulse is delivered. 202 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,372 It's very effective, but it's... 203 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,868 It is extremely expensive. 204 00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:33,079 I don't care what it costs. Are there any risks? 205 00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:34,282 Not to Landon. 206 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,314 No. Now, if someone like you 207 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,819 or I were to have it done, 208 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:40,490 someone who's not addicted to opioids, uh... 209 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,150 It would be catastrophic. 210 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:45,558 Well, lucky for us that Landon is addicted to opioids. 211 00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:46,692 Let's do it. 212 00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:48,356 Wonderful. 213 00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:49,664 I'll warm up the machine. 214 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,303 Oh. [gasping]. Wait here. 215 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:02,136 Where's Landon? 216 00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,205 Getting cured. 217 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:04,876 Oh! 218 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,548 Landon... How did it go? 219 00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,923 Um... 220 00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:16,152 Now, are we sure he was addicted to opioids? 221 00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:18,619 We're 100% sure, right, Marquess? 222 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,428 The doctor is asking because we have given him 223 00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:23,730 an experimental procedure that would be catastrophic 224 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:24,803 if he wasn't. 225 00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:26,861 Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. 226 00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,999 Yeah, yeah. He was an addict, 227 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:32,735 and um, now he's, uh, had, uh... treatment... 228 00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:35,772 And, um, yeah. Now we should all go back 229 00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:38,708 to beautiful Nevada and let this family, um... 230 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:42,245 You know, let this family heal. 231 00:09:42,281 --> 00:09:43,721 [knocking at door] 232 00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,384 [Pigeon] What do you want? 233 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:47,389 Can we come in? 234 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,690 [Pigeon] No. 235 00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:51,761 Well, uh, do you want to sign this card? 236 00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:52,991 [Pigeon] What card? 237 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,356 It's a farewell card for A.F.O.S. 238 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,464 He's finally off opioids and ready to go back 239 00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:57,756 to his home planet. 240 00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,798 [Pigeon] No. 241 00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,632 What are you doing in there? I-- 242 00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:03,938 Eh, uh, I'll sign it for him. 243 00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:08,212 A.F.O.S., we have something for you. 244 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,641 -[Marquess] Eh. -[Yung Hee] Ah. 245 00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:11,036 Where is he? 246 00:10:12,645 --> 00:10:15,005 Dad, have, uh, have you seen A.F.O.S.? 247 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,478 That little turtle that we brought home 248 00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:17,746 from Santa Barbara? 249 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:20,724 Well, he's not a turtle. He's an alien. 250 00:10:20,753 --> 00:10:23,023 Alien from outer space. A.F.O.S. 251 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,316 Oh, damn. I thought it stood for 252 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:26,587 another [bleep] option besides steak. 253 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,386 That's why I called him A.F.O.B.S. 254 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,398 Anyway he's right here. 255 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,000 [Yung Hee and Marquess gasp] 256 00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:34,401 I know it looks like a lot of food but whatever 257 00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:35,904 we don't eat we can chop it up, 258 00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:38,165 freeze it and save it for the winter. 259 00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:40,004 Damn, Mike, with savings like this, 260 00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:42,409 I think we can see about getting Showtime hooked back up. 261 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,642 [theme music playing]